| It's been a year |
[Jul. 21st, 2007|10:30 am] |
It's been about a year since I started my efforts to lose weight. I lost about 40 pounds. Gained it all back.
Just read my original post, and although I still have all of the same feelings as before, I realize that I was most likely being too aggressive in my goals. I'm heading back to the drawing board, and am starting new. I'm going to set my goals not based on my weight, but on my physical capabilities (i.e. can I walk 5 minutes longer this week than last week? etc)
I also need to hold myself accountable, and will be making regular posts here. |
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| Ticking along |
[Jul. 9th, 2006|08:48 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Watching 'The 4400' | ] |
So, today was finally my first good day of eating. I have a very hard time eating right on weekends, and this one was no exception. I ate well for most of Saturday, but went to a barbeque last night. I drank too much beer, ate oo many potato chips, and ate two burgers.
Today was much better, though. I stuck with NutriSystem food, and ate a total of 1580 calories. I feel like I ate a bunch of food, and I'm not hungry at all. I'm hoping that eating like this for the next 5 days will help me be more successful next weekend.
I haven't gone to the gym since Thursday, but am making it a goal to do it tomorrow. |
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| It begins |
[Jul. 4th, 2006|10:15 pm] |
So, it begins. As I write this, I weigh 470 pounds. I'm what you'd call a "big guy". I'm 27 years old, and if I continue to live my life the way I do, I'm sure I'll be dead by 40. It's a sobering thought, and one I take more seriously as I get closer to that age.
I've been a bigger guy most of my life, but didn't start to gain a lot of weight unil I was 16 yrs old. After I graduated high school and went to college, it got even worse. I weighed about 300 pounds 9 years ago, meaning I've gained nearly 200 pounds since then. I've done some soul searching, and understand that I haven't gained the weight by accident. I've done this to myself, and I think I know why. It something I'm not cormfortable talking to anyone about, and have never done so. I know I should, and at some point, I may put it down here. I guess what matters is that I know what it is, and as I deal with it, hopefully the physical consequences will start to be resolved as well.
I've only seriously tried losing weight once. About 2.5 years ago I did the Atkins diet and lost 75 pounds in 3 months. I quit because I was bored out of my mind with eating meat for every meal and went back to the fast food. I gained all of that weight back, plus about 20 pounds. I've made other less serious efforts at weight loss which generally only last 2 or 3 days.
What's different this time? I don't know. I just feel that it's time and I'm ready. I bought 3 months worth of nutrisystem food, and I'm hoping that teaches me some portion control (I know that if I'm going to make this a long term loss, I have to eat real food, and will do that as soon as I feel comfortable). I'll be tracking my intake on fitday.com, and will most likely be posting daily or weekly info here of calories, fat grams, etc.
I also need to work out. I've had a gym membership for 5 years, but have only used it 4 or 5 times in 2006 thus far. My overall exercise plan:
515am - wake up, get ready and go to work
3pm - get off of work, go home and change, head to the gym
430pm - finish up at the gym (mixing in cardio and weight training) and head home
5pm - eat dinner
630pm - go out walking for 2-3 hours
The 2-3 hours of walking every night might seem a bit much, but I need to do it. I'm volunteering with a political campaign and have agreed to walk door to door most nights between now and the election in November.
I'll be weighing myself every day. I don't expect to lose weight every day, and imagine that I may put on a few pounds every now and then, but I need the daily feedback to keep going. Unfortunately, the scale at my gym only goes to 440 pounds, so it's going to be awhile before I see a number there! I know I weigh 470 based on my doctor's scale. I'm still going to weigh myself every day, though, as I know the day that I see an actual number on that scale will be a HUGE victory. I get excited just thinking about it.
That's about it! As you can imagine, weighing 470 pounds can be physically demanding, and it limits my ability to do some of the things that most people take for granted. This whole blog and this entry is mosly for my benefit (although I really hope to share thoughts with others dealing with the same thing). The following is a list of things that I hate the most about being 470 pounds. I hope to take a look back if I'm ever feeling weak and need some extra motivation. Not in any particular order (except for the first one):
* Fear of not seeing my niece grow up.
* Flying: I can tolerate it myself, but I hate how uncomfortable it makes those who have to sit next to me. That and the seatbelt extenders.
* Chairs: the constant fear of breaking a chair, especially in public.
* Stairs: even a single flight of stairs can take my breath away for a few minutes
* Guilt regarding food: food should be enjoyed as a good part of life. I feel guilty when eating something not good for me, but I need to get to the point where I know it's OK.
* How others look at me: it depends on the situation, but I'm pretty good at reading people and know what they're thinking/feeling. It's like a weird 6th sense that's served me pretty well in life. You might be surprised at how often I get looks of surprise or disgust.
* Clothes: My shirt size is 6X right now. Pants are 66". Chest is 66". Neck is 21.5". It's a huge headache to find clothes that fit me. It's even harder to find clothes that fit me that look good. Thanks Nyne! (http://www.wear-nyne.com)
* Driving: the seatbelt in my beautiful new truck just barely fits me. It's very hard to put on, and when I do I only have about an inch of "give". I literally can't lean forward or move to the side.
* Not being an example: I work hard in my work life to be a good example for the people I work with/who work for me. My morbid obesity appears to show that I lack willpower and discipline. Unfortunately, the appearance is true in many cases.
* The jacket: I have a special jacket that was given to me as part of a program I volunteer at. It's a 2X and barely fit me when I first got it 5 years ago. At this point I it only fits my arms. I wear it often during this annual program (it's kind of required, and I look pretty silly in it. I want it to at least sort of fit. If I could actually button it up some day, I might have a heart attack out of shock/joy.
* Sleep apnea: I suspect I hav sleep apnea. My doc says that I could get it checked out now, but if I lost a lot of my weight first, I may not need to get it checked out at all.
* Being a recluse: I have lots of friends and have plenty of opportunity for socializing, but almost never do. I use my weight as an excuse (an internal excuse, anyway). I have a weird mixture of being pretty self-confidant and proud, but I hate being seen at this weight. My worst experience with tha is that I haven't seen my grandma for about 5 years. I didn't want her to see what I had done to myself. he had a massive stroke in March and died. I went to the funeral and saw my whole family. I realized then that I was an idiot for being so selfish, and that my family loves me no matter what. I shouldn't have done that to my grandma, and I want to fight to make sure I don't do it to anyone else every again.
That's it. 15 years of frustration, sadness, pride, gluttony, self-delusion, hope, disappointment and all of that stuff. I'm glad that tomorrow is a new day, and that it's never to late to take your life back. I could wait until I die, but I deserve to live. |
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